Certain words can never be ambiguous and should never be put in quotes, though mysteriously they often are: "edible," "safe," "delicious", "imported" and "meat" are a few.
As you can see and might expect, my grocery list is tied to human taste (which "should" be subjective) and human health and safety (which of course "should" not).
Today's example: Edible Easter Grass.
Because I am a sucker [insert first candy joke of the post] for a twist on an original purpose or ingredient, but far more importantly, because my mother trained me in utero not only to loathe or despise, but to vilify plastic Easter grass, "Edible Easter Grass; Imported From Germany; it's Grass-Tastic!" hit a number of critical levels for me--all purely aesthetic or curious and really not a bit environmental, truth be told.
Because I just can't stand the feel of plastic Easter grass, the cheap-staticky, thin plastic...and of course there are the echoes of my mother's latent fear of finding of it months and even possibly decades later in the personal landfill of our nubby tweed This End Up couch cushions, circa 1984.
So, I was delighted to find this "Edible" (and so the quotes begin) Easter grass, which comes in an array of truly non-offensive, lightly saturated colors which are neither nauseating neons nor non gacky pastels--simply a watery but true orange, a lovely green, a yellow which doesn't stimulate the bowels, a light red (do you know how many years I have looked for a "light red" lipstick?? "Oh, you mean pink?" Aaaaaaaaackhhh, nooooooo!!--I found it by the way, it's called blotting and wiping away most of what's already there).Because of the recent CPSIA (Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act)/Lead Law debacle as it relates to The Happy Tomato (see Small Things Considered for a quick view of where I've been, lo these many months), I am admittedly increasingly fascinated and also horrified by claims and by packaging--especially on products for "children" (everyone 13 and under, incidentally, according to the CPSC).
And I liked the packaging here--no licensed characters, just a couple of retro, non-anthropomorphic bunnies; stripes, that perennial favorite, connoting a classy timelessness; and the following verbiage: "Edible Easter Grass. Imported From Germany. It's Grass-Tastic!"..."Fills a Basket--and great for crafts too!" and... "with New & Improved Flavors!"
Okay, any time you see that, you see those words, you know that you are absolutely dealing with a failed attempt at improvement, and the seemingly careless use of the ampersand?--immediately tells you to put even less stock in the second descriptor than the first.
Speaking of packaging, I tasted it, and 1) it's not sweet (I was picturing strands of Peeps), and 2) it is exactly the stuff my edible packing peanuts are made of (when I can afford them): potato starch. What a sad waste of a carb or two today.
Sylph, upon tasting the edible grass this morning, looked cheated to the very core of her 5-year-old being:"UGH. It tastes like foam." Even the cat won't eat it.
I suppose thought surely "Imported from Germany" would mean tasteful, if understated, like shoes or a handbag, not taste like one--after all, there are higher "standards" for products in Europe.
Sigh, it is very pretty, and empirically harmless (except, it may contain wheat, and it does contain phenylketonurics which I suppose accounts for the curiously non-sweet, non-detectable Green Apple flavor), supplies 1% of the recommended daily value of fiber, and it doesn't bother me aesthetically--in fact, has great drape.
Yes, as I consider the back of the package, it's funny to think that "servings per container" can be "1" considering the front also makes the claim that the content "fills a basket!" (and is "great for crafts too!")--I mean, what does it "do" in a three year-old's small intestine?
It would be great for crafts (if on the expensive side) to fill a gift bag, but...you know where I'm going with this, right?...if I start printing my designs on bamboo fabric, which is certainly arguably a foodstuff (for pandas, but there are more asinine loops and hoops in the CPSIA than this, and the is not YET written to specify "human" children ), could I then tag them with some nutritional label and get in under the umbrella of the FDA, bypassing this CPSIA mess altogether?
And then, this lead business wouldn't apply to me--or rather, I wouldn't have to test perfectly safe, non-lead-possible "ingredients" in my clothing line because the designs would be "edible"--whether anyone uses them that way or not?
I don't even want to think about edible underwear. Is Spencer's Gifts still in business?
Before I lapse into a bitterness which doesn't befit this holiday (Syph just brandished a green Peep at me and sing-songed "Wanna Peep, Mama?--They're DELICIOUS!" which should give you an idea, perspective-wise, of how bad the Edible Easter grass must be, for her to nose-wrinkle it), and before you say something along the lines of "But you were a Kindergarten teacher! You should have more tolerance and an innate love of 'kid-things," and not hyper-analyze everything--and what could scream carefree childhood more than Easter grass, plastic OR edible?" I say:
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG: being a Kindergarten teacher, a parent of small children, a designer of "childlike things" means I have even less tolerance for things masquerading as harmless.
Teaching 5 year-olds to read, being a mother and being preocccupied with safety in general means it is less likely that I will stand for for things which make claims they can't live up to. For being talked down to, for inaccuracies, for the cheapening of words. For simple bad taste.
I'm "back!"
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